NARRATOR: Britain, Britain, Britain.
You're simply the best, better than all the rest.
Better than any other country,
any other country that I have ever met.
There's no reason to ever leave, unless you need to go to the loo.
And yet they go. Do they go?. Yes, they do do go.
Let us see what happens when we take Little Britain abroad.
Come on, Charlie.
We begin our journey in Britain,
where Lou Todd has some rather exciting news for his friend Andy.
Trish has had her hair done.
Now, Andy, I've got a surprise for you.
Yeah, I know.
-No, you don't know. It's a surprise. -I know.
You know the nice people from the church
-that we go to on Sundays?. -Don't like them.
Well, they like you, because they organised
a bring-and-buy sale especially for you.
They raised a lot of money. And they asked me,
"Where would you most like to go to in the whole world?. "
and I said, "That's an easy one. Disney World."
Can I just have the money?.
So we have to get your bag packed because, Andrew,
we are getting on a plane this afternoon.
I'm gonna miss Bargain Hunt.
Yes, you are gonna miss Bargain Hunt.
But you're gonna be in Disney World. Are you excited?.
Yes.
You're gonna go on the Monorail Space Mountain
and all the characters are gonna be there.
Who are you most excited about meeting?.
Gordon the Gopher.
Yeah.
NARRATOR: In Paris, Anne is paying a visit to the Louvre.
At my age, I'm up all night visiting the Louvre.
You may not know about Anne. Have you met Anne?.
She's a keen admirer of Renaissance art,
and when I asked her if there was anywhere she wanted to visit,
she said...
Meaning here, the finest art gallery in the world.
And I think what you need to do with somebody like Anne in a place like this
is just to let her roam free.
She's got to have her own relationship with the art.
(ALARM BLARING)
(SCREAMING)
I'll see you by the Rembrandts.
NARRATOR: Along with France and Germany,
Spain is one of Europe's Third World countries.
Here in Majorca, Carol Beer is the friendly face
of Sunsearchers Holidays.
Sunsearchers. Thi s must be us, dear.
-Morning. -Morning.
(MICROPHONE SQUEALING)
Hello, my name is Carol. I'm your rep.
Welcome to Spain.
Ifyou'll look to your left, you'll see Spain.
If you look to your right, you'll see Spain.
Now, I'm here to make sure your holiday is fun, fun, fun.
Fun.
Any questions or problems, come to me.
MAN: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Yes, old man.
Sorry, sorry. My wife's feeling rather nauseous.
Do you think it would be possible just to stop the coach for a moment
so she can get out and get some air?.
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
MAN: Thank you.
Thank you. Excuse me.
(GROANING)
Okay?. All right.
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
-Okay?. Yeah?. -I can't...
Must be something you had on the plane or...
-Hey... -My stomach...
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Hey, hey.
It's all right.
NARRATOR: Myfanwy has left Llanddewi Brefi
to open a new bar here on the Greek island of Mykonos.
I went to Mykonos once. I loathed it.
Full of gays. Me and my boyfriend got the first plane home.
He should be here by now.
Dafydd! Welcome to Mykonos.
Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.
Coming right up.
I can't believe it. You've actually left Llanddewi Brefi.
I've travelled, Myfanwy.
I went on a geography field trip to Merthyr Tydfil in 1 987.
I'm so glad you're here.
Well, in the end, I had to leave Llanddewi.
-It was no place for an out gay man. -Don't be daft.
I'm sorry, Myfanwy, but the homophobes there were very homophobic.
-Like who?. -Father Hughes, Sergeant Evers.
They're bum chums.
Well, Mr Teal, the fireman.
He's always sliding down some pole or other.
-My mother never accepted it. -Your mother?.
Oh, she's been lezzing it up with my Auntie Ruth for years.
-My own mother?. -Yes!
She's mad for muff.
-Now, what do you think of my bar?. -It's a bit poofy.
Well, it is a gay bar, Dafydd.
And I want this place to be full tonight,
so I need you to get yourself down the beach
and give out these fliers.
Well, I'll be very surprised if you have any customers at all, Myfanwy.
Everybody knows I am the only gay...
You can say that any more, Dafydd.
You're in Mykonos now. This town is teeming with todger.
Really?.
Yes. They'll be coming at you from all angles tonight.
It's going to be a jism jamboree.
Oh, God.
NARRATOR: Aeroplanes were invented in 1972 by Dr Peter Aeroplane.
He and his wife Susan Helicopter
invented many of the modes of air travel we enjoy today.
-What are you watching, Andy?. -Summat about a plane.
-Mr T odd?. -Yes, air stewardess.
I've just spoken to the captain. He said it's fine
for you and your friend to visit the cockpit now if you'd like.
Oh, thanks for sorting that out for us. It's very kind of you.
You're very lovely.
-Right, well, I better go and do the... -Sorry. Where is the cockpit?.
-It's at the front. -Yes, yes, of course it is, yes.
Okay.
We're getting off at Florida.
-I know you are. -Are you going to Florida?.
Yes. We're all going to Florida.
Right, well, I'd better go and do the duty free.
Can I just say you look very pretty in all your make-up?.
Thank you.
You love her.
NARRATOR: Our next stop, Rome. I do love Italian cuisine.
Alphabetti Spaghetti and a Cornetto. Bellissimo!.
-Buonasera, signore. -Not a word.
Well.
We certainly packed a lot into today, didn't we?.
Yes, Judy.
Did you find my tour of Rome informative?.
Oh, yes, Maggie.
Though I would have preferred a little less emphasis on Mussolini.
He's a very misunderstood figure.
Yes, he was a fascist dictator,
but let he who is without sin cast the first stone, Judy.
Yes.
Now, time for beddington.
What are you doing, Maggie?.
I thought we could keep each other company.
It will be like being back in Girls' Brigade.
(STUTTERING)
Well, I'll just go into the bathroom and put my nightdress on.
Don't be silly, Judy.
You can get undressed here. Let me help.
(EXCLAIMS)
(PURRING)
You have very firm breasts for a lady of your age, Judy.
Thank you, Maggie.
You can touch mine if you like.
(STUTTERING)
I think I'm all right, actually.
Kiss me.
-Good night, Maggie. -No, Judy. Properly.
Like this.
What's the matter, Judy?. You're stiff as a board.
Well, Maggie, I am very flattered, but it's not really my sort of thing.
I have no issue with you being lesbian.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm chairwoman of the local Conservative association.
Well, that doesn't mean you're not lesbian.
Piffle. I'm not lesbian.
Now, lie down on the bed and get those knickers off.
Maggie, if one desires sexual relations with women,
one is lesbian.
-Really?. -Yes.
You mean that I'm a...
(RETCHING)
Are you all right, Maggie?.
Maggie, get some air! Maggie, this way, quick!
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
In English, please.
NARRATOR: After a continental breakfast of Fizzy Fruit,
sweaty cheese and some other stuff you don't know what it is,
Jerry and Evelyn are off to see their holiday rep.
Good morning. Now...
It' s not 9: 00 yet. I haven't started work.
Sorry.
Right. Well, we thought it might be rather nice to book an excursion.
You're a bit late. Most people booked theirs last night.
Well, if you hadn't driven off without us...
Are there any tickets available for the concert in the square tonight?.
Computer says no.
Well, what about the boat trip?. Any places left on the boat trip?.
There's one place left. Would you be prepared to swim alongside?.
-I'm not a very strong swimmer. -No.
-What about the monastery?. -There's a lot of steps.
-Oh, well, then... -You're quite old.
I don't want you dropping down dead on me.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you. Are there any trips still available?.
Legoland, Windsor.
Is there anyone you could call?.
I could try the Spanish rep. See if she's any cancellations.
(PHONE RINGING)
She must be busy.
¿SÍ?.
¿Tuvo alguno cancellation para una excursión?.
La computadora dice que no.
NARRATOR: When British people travel abroad,
they always behave in an exemplary fashion.
That a Briton is awaiting trial in this Thai prison
must be a miscarriage of justice.
Oh, no, it's her.
(SPEAKING IN THAI)
Hello, Vicky. I'm Charles Tate from the British Embassy here.
I came as quickly as I could. Now, you hardly need me to tell you
that drug smuggling is a very serious offence.
And if you're found guilty, you could spend the rest of your life in prison.
All right!
Vicky, I'm here to try and help.
Now, can you please explain to me how you came to have
ten kilos of heroin in your luggage?.
God, this is like being back at school. I've never even done nothing or nothing.
Let me tell you the whole thing, right.
'Cause we was all at the ice-skating rink.
Only Kerry Maynard never came because she burnt her foot
on one of Shazney Lowe's hair straighteners.
But, anyway, good, 'cause she wasn't even invited anyway.
She's like well gay, 'cause she's only got three Asbos
and one of them was only for going "uh" at a social worker.
Right, but that doesn't explain how you came to have the drugs in your luggage.
I'm getting there!
God, I was just about to tell you if you had just waited.
So rude.
So, anyway, this whole other thing happened summat or nothing,
because we was all at the ice rink,
and it was playing this really old song that was like...
# Informer you know say daddy me snow me-a gonna blame
# A licky boom-boom down #
And this bloke came up to me. He was like, "You are well fit."
I was like, "Shut up." He's like, "You well are."
I was like, "No, I'm not. Get a life." He's like, "You well are."
I was like, "Yeah, you're right. I'm the fittest girl in Bristol."
And that is true, apart from Denise Kilcannon.
But then everyone knows Denise Kilcannon
had a backstreet boob job for 1 00 quid,
and now her tits look like the Mitchell Brothers.
Did this man offer you money to take the suitcase through customs?.
Yeah, he just said, "Go to Thailand or summat or nothing
"and bring this bag back."
And then when I get home, he's gonna give me 30 quid
and he's going to get me in the VIP room at Slappers in Fishponds.
But did he tell you that you were going to be transporting an illegal substance?.
No, but yeah. But no, he just told me it was heroin.
Well, it's not going to be easy,
but I'm going to do my best to get you out of here.
Yeah, well, you better.
'Cause if you don't, my posse are well gonna give you beatings
'cause I, like, totally hate this place. 'Cause it's full of perverts.
Like, see that one over there with the gammy eye?.
Last night I was in the showers and she spent the whole time
totally staring at my chicken satay.
Well, Vicky, the trial is scheduled to start on Thursday.
Have you thought yet about how you're going to plead?.
What's the one you say when you done it?.
Guilty.
And what's the one you say when you done it,
but you don't want anyone to know you done it?.
-Not guilty. -Not guilty.
NARRATOR: In Mykonos, bald back-botherer Dafydd is handing out leaflets.
In your dreams.
Not gay.
No.
Straight as a die.
Oh, am I to be the only gay on this island?.
What have you got there, dear?.
It's just a flier for a new bar that's opening.
It wouldn't interest you.
Let's have a varda.
(EXCLAIMS)
Myfanwy's Place. Looks fab.
I'm seeing the boys later. We'll pop down.
I should warn you this is a gay bar for gays.
I had gathered, dear.
You would need to be a gay to get in.
I am a gay. I'm as gay as a gay can be gay.
-I'm a gay. A gay gay. -Really?.
-Have you ever seen a man naked?. -Yes.
Totally naked?. In the nude?.
-No clothes on?. -Yes.
-Not even socks?. -Yes.
-Really?. What was it like?. -Good.
Yes, well, I don't... Have you ever touched a man's winkle?.
Yes, of course I have.
-What was that like?. -Nice.
Yes, well, I still don't... What about a man's bottom?.
-Have you stroked one of those?. -Yes.
-What was that like?. -Very nice, too.
Also nice. What about...
Actually, I don't think there is anything else, is there?.
That would be about it, wouldn't it?.
Oh, you poor thing. Well, I'll see you later, pet.
I don't think so.
-What is your problem?. -What do you mean?.
I've watched you trolling up and down this beach for the past half hour now.
You haven't given a flier out to anybody.
I haven't seen anybody I can be sure is gay yet.
When I do, they will receive a leaflet. Good day.
And this here, that's our ground speed.
-That's the ground speed, is it?. -That's the ground speed.
The ground speed. The old ground speed.
So, Andy, your friend Lou tells me you've always wanted to be a pilot.
Yeah.
Well, you need to work very hard. In fact, you need a science degree.
Do you have a science degree?.
-Have I got a science degree?. -No.
-No.
Well, one thing a pilot has to do is make announcements to the cabin.
-Would you like to do that, Andy?. -Oh, he'd love to, Captain.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
I'd like to hand you over to our new co-pilot,
who has a message for you.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
-Well, thank you so much, Captain. -You're welcome.
Wanna press a button.
No. Let's leave the nice captain to it.
-Wanna press that red one. -No. That switches the engines off.
We only press that when the aircraft has landed.
-Yeah, I know. Wanna press it. -It's been very nice meeting you.
Thanks again, Captain. Come along now.
-Oh, my God! -Sorry.
(ALARM BLARING)
NARRATOR: As part of a new Fat Fighters' initiative,
Marjorie Dawes has been sent to take a class here in America,
which is a small, shy, retiring country. You don 't hear very much about it.
They like to keep themselves to themselves and not get involved.
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Hello, fat fighters.
Blimey, they told me America was full of fat people.
They were not wrong, were they?.
My fatties may be big, but you are something else.
Look at you. I'll see what I can do.
Okay, so, my name is Marjorie.
-ALL: Hello, Marjorie. -Oh, we're lively.
And I work at Fat Fighters in Britain.
Now, the first thing I always do is find out if we've got any new members.
-Have we got any new members?. -Hey, I'm new.
Blimey, you are big.
And you're the sheriff of this town, are you?.
-That's correct, ma'am. -Oh, better watch what I say.
Okay, do you want to join me at the front, my sweetness?.
Yes?. And we can try and find out just why you are the size of a house.
-Okay, so what's your name, my love?. -Judy, ma'am.
And, Judy ma'am, why do you think you are so fat?.
It's comfort eating. I've been through a very difficult time of...
Just got divorced and I'm on my own now.
-Have you thought about lesbianism?. -What?.
There's a lot of fat lezzers.
-No. -No.
And tell me, my sweetness, how old are you?.
-Forty-seven. -You look older, okay?.
I do mean that kindly.
So what advice have we got for a woman who is 47,
her husband's left her,
and she's so big she can't wipe her own arse?.
-Excuse me. -Yes.
When I was little, nobody told me I was beautiful.
Obviously.
Judy, I'm gonna tell you something, and I want you to keep it in your heart.
Oh, get to the point, dear. It's not Falcon Crest.
No matter what people say, you are beautiful.
You're not, but...
So, anyone else got any advice for Judy?.
To stop her becoming one of these super-fatties.
You know, the ones you see on the telly, lying naked in a room
as a team of people wash and feed them.
-This is too much. -It's for your own good.
Yes, my Latino friend.
Quit snacking.
-Sorry?. -Quit snacking.
-Do it again. -Quit snacking.
-Oh, quit... No, say it again. -She said, "Quit snacking."
Oh, that's a good one.
Yes, tell her thank you.
-Yes, what's your name?. -Phil.
You took that literally, didn't you?.
Yes. So, Phil, what would you like to say to Judy?.
There's a lot of great diet books out there.
I think the best one I've read is Oprah's book.
It really helped me. I can lend you a copy if you like.
-No, don't. She'll only eat it. -That's enough.
-You're a very rude woman. -What are you gonna do, arrest me?.
I've got grounds to, ma'am.
Racial discrimination of this lady here, violation of my civil rights.
Make one more offensive comment, ma'am,
I'm gonna have to take you down to the station.
All right, Boss Hogg.
That's it. I'm placing you under arrest. You have the right to remain silent.
If you give up that right, anything you say
can and will be used as evidence. You have the right to an attorney
and to have an attorney present.
(SIREN BLARING)
MARJORIE: Still fat, though.
NARRATOR: In Mykonos, it's opening night for Myfanwy's bar.
Look at those two. He's a gay, she's a lezzer.
They're both morbidly obese. Is this entertainment?.
I' ll have another Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.
Where is everyone?. It's nearly midnight.
You didn't give any fliers out, did you?.
-How dare you?. Of course I did. -How many?.
-Two. -Two?.
Yes. One to a five-year-old girl
and one to a very nice nun I met in the village square.
Great. Just the right crowd for a gay bar.
-They might pop in. -Thanks a lot, Dafydd.
An empty bar on my opening night.
Well, I'm sorry, Myfanwy, but it looks like
I am the only gay on the Greek island of Mykonos.
(SPEAKING IN GREEK)
NARRATOR: It's halfpast 4 Poofs at a Piano,
and Carol Beer is on the warpath.
I had a call from head office this morning.
Yeah?.
Apparently you've made a complaint about me.
That's right.
Saying that I've been rude and unhelpful.
-Well, we have been... -A little disappointed.
A little disappointed with your attitude so far.
(SOBBING)
I've trained so hard to make sure people have a good holiday.
That's all I want.
And for someone to say that I've been rude and unhelpful
is like a dagger through my heart.
I can never forgive myself. I'd rather die.
Look, we certainly didn't mean to upset you like this.
We'll withdraw the complaint.
Good.
CAROL: Dirty shitters.
NARRATOR: Bubbles Devere spends the summer months
jetting between the capitals of Europe.
This must be the one.
I'm here, darling.
Today she has entered Monte Carlo.
I entered Monte Carlo once. He was furious.
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
-Is Ronnie baby in?. -And you are?.
Mrs Devere. But call me Bubbles, darling, everybody does.
-Is he expecting you?. -Of course, darling.
We're old friends. He's invited me to stay for the season.
Well, if madam could wait here one moment.
Ferrero Rocher. He is doing well.
Do I... Do I know you?.
Excuse me, I'm just finishing a Ferrero Rocher.
-I'll just have one more. -Please, madam.
What are you doing here?.
Now don't say you don't remember me, darling.
Oh, he's always been so naughty with his jokie-jokies.
It's me, darling, Bubbles.
-We met at Phil Cool's. -I've never met him.
-Phil Cool. You must know Philly Cool. -No. I don't know him.
That's right. Leave the little people behind.
Well, what are we waiting for?. Champagne! Champagne for everyone!
I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
But why?. Your wife's not here.
I thought we could have a bit of "How's your father been?. "
-Pierre, call the police. -Oui, Monsieur.
Alone at last. Very clever, darling.
The Ferrero Rocher,
a chilled bottle of Appletiser on the drinks trolley.
You've certainly set the scene for seduction.
If you leave now,
I promise I won't press charges.
Ever since I saw you as Timothy Lumsden on Sorry,
I knew I had to have you.
Just bloody leave.
Language, Timothy.
Oh, you're so sexy.
# Everything about you's so sexy
# You don't even know what you've got
# Mr Ronnie Corbett
# Oh, yeah, yeah
# And work it a little
# Get hot just a little
# And meet in the middle
# Let go just a little bit more
# And you've made your fanny move it more #
More.
Monsieur, the police will be here in five minutes.
Could they make it 1 0?.
(GROANS)
Where's Mickey Mouse?.
NARRATOR: And so, we conclude our journey abroad.
I'm not sure I enjoyed abroad,
and I don't think I'll be going there again.
Oh, there's another episode.
Well, I suppose I'll have to then.
Till next time, good bad.
NARRATOR: Britain, Britain, Britain.
The people here are so beautiful.
Everyday I see folk whose faces I'd like to lick clean off.
Foreigners, however, are foul.
They're hairy, dirty-looking, and smell of foreign.
So we British have a duty to help these savages.
Join me now as we take Little Britain abroad.
Higher, baby. Get higher, baby,
and don 't ever come down. Freebase!.
Lou and his friend Andy have been stranded on this desert island
for two long weeks.
Hopefully someone will see that and come and rescue us.
It's boiling here.
Sorry we didn't get to Disney World.
This is more like that Tom Hanks film, isn't it?.
-What's it called?. -Turner and Hooch.
-No, not Turner and Hooch. -Sleepless in Seattle.
No, no, not Sleepless in Seattle.
Bachelor Party.
No, no, it's the one on a desert island.
Oh, Apollo 13.
No, not Apollo 13. It's the one about a castaway.
He's a castaway and he's been cast away. What's it called?.
It'll come to me.
-I'm hungry. -Oh, yes, of course. I'm terribly sorry.
I'll just go and hunt for some food for you.
-What do you want?. -Turkey Twizzlers.
-Right. -Birds Eye potato waffle.
-Yes. -They're waffly versatile.
I'm not really sure they have that sort of thing on a desert island.
-Oh, well. -I'll see what I can find.
And a can of Lilt.
(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
Look, it's Mel Smith.
NARRATOR: Back in Thailand, just north of Shirtland,
Vicky Pollard's trial has been going on for many months now.
No, but... Yeah, but... No, but... Yeah, but... No, but...
Y eah, but... No, but... Yeah, but... No, but...
Oh, my God, this other thing happened that I completely forgot to tell you.
Because you know Kaz...
She got sacked from the bakery counter at Somerfield's in Redland
'cause she kept licking all the sugar off the doughnuts,
then putting them back on the shelf.
Anyway, she had such a cob on,
she went down the Fleece & Firkin with the Redmond sisters,
drank 1 5 bottles of Hooch,
and then went back there in the afternoon
and shat in a tub of Utterly Butterly.
Sir, you giving me Thai evils?.
Does the defence have anything to add before sentence is passed?.
Just one last thing, Your Honour.
The defendant's mother has come from England
and would like to make a plea on behalf of her daughter.
Oh, very well.
Call Shelley Pollard.
Mrs Pollard, you believe your daughter is innocent, don't you?.
No, but... Yeah, but... No...
But yeah, because she went and done it, so shut up!
Anyway, she was well a good child.
And then she fell in with a bad crowd when she was three.
I'm not saying she ain't never not done nothing or nothing.
But she ain't no drug meddler.
And if anyone says she is, they're well gonna get beatings.
'Cause my daughter is, like, well un-guilty.
Look at her, she got the face of a fucking angel!
Well, thank you very much, Mrs Pollard.
I ain't done yet. God! Stop getting involved.
You don't know nothing or nothing.
Because this whole thing would never even have happened anyway
if it weren't for Kelly Bates.
Shut up, slag! God, you're such a mixer.
Kelly Bates ain't never even done nothing or nothing.
Oh, my God! I so do can't believe you just said that.
Because everyone knows that Kelly Bates is the most roughest girl in Avon.
You can't talk about Kelly Bates like that.
Kelly Bates's been my number one friend for ever and ever.
We even carved our names into each other's arms.
Only, I spelt her name wrong so it looks like Kevin...
(CHATTERING SIMULTANEOUSLY)
(GAVEL BANGS)
Enough!
-Minger. -Slag-bag.
10 years.
20 years.
Yesterday, Dudley Punt married his Thai bride Ting Tong Macadangdang.
He wanted to make an honest man-woman of her.
Today, they start their honeymoon in Belgium.
TING TONG: This don't look very romantic, Mr Dudley.
DUDLEY: What are you talking about, Ting Tong?. It's beautiful.
You said we were staying in a hotel.
Oh, it's like a hotel, but smaller.
And on wheels.
Dudley! How are you?.
I'm all right. This is my little brother.
-We're staying with your brother?. -You must be Ping Pong.
-Ting Tong. -Ting Tong. From the Philippines?.
Thailand.
They're much cheaper there, aren't they?.
Welcome, King Kong.
Is there something you need to tell me?.
What?. Oh, them...
In all seriousness, though, they belong to the new wife.
New wife?. What happened to the old one?.
I traded her in for a younger model, didn't I?.
She's 1 8. She's Russian. She's a virgin.
Lovely.
All the good brides are Russian these days.
Dear, though. 200 quid.
Ivanka!
Here she is. Ivanka, my new wife.
Ivanka. Good at meeting you.
Pleased to meet you, Miss Ivanka.
I see you have car.
Austin Allegro. Chocolate brown.
(CLEARS THROAT)
-This is my friend... -Wife.
Wife, Ting Tong.
-She's beautiful, ain't she?. -No half.
-She's done a lot of... -Modelling.
-Really?.
Yes. I have been on cover of Russian Vogue,
Russian Tatler and Russian Take a Break.
Whoop-de-doo!
Come on. Come on inside. Have a drink.
-After you, Miss Ivanka. -Thank you.
(FARTS)
That is a warning.
NARRATOR: This clothing boutique
is in the skiing resort of Klosters in Switzerland.
Ah, Switzerland!
Not so helpful in a war, but wonderful fondue.
Hello, darling.
-Bonjour, Madame. -Bubbles Devere. Pleased to meet you.
-Can I help you?. -Yes, darling.
-Can you keep a secret?. -Well, yes, of course, Madame.
Good, because my dear, dear friend, the King of England, Sir Prince Charles,
is choppering in tomorrow and is hosting a big dinner party for me.
-Really?. -Yes.
I think he's planning to marry me off to one of the boys.
Well, we'll soon see about that.
And how can I help?.
I need you to loan me a dress, darling.
I'm afraid we don't loan dresses here, Madame.
Not normally, no, but I am Bubbles Devere.
Pictures of me in your dress will go around the world.
Did you not see me in last week's Bella?.
Sales of flip-flops skyrocketed.
I'm afraid I don't know you, Madame.
Everybody knows Bubbles.
(MIMICKING MOBILE RINGTONE)
Do excuse me.
Hello. Oh, my good friend Jilly Cooper. Hello, Jilly Cooper.
How are you, Jilly Cooper?. Yes, I'm very well, Jilly Cooper.
Well, thank you for calling, Jilly Cooper.
Goodbye, Jilly Cooper.
Jilly Cooper.
So, what do we have here?. Oh, this looks divine.
I don't think we have that one in Madame's size.
What?. You want to put me in this?. I'm not Kate Winslet, darling.
This one is much more my style.
Oh, please be careful with the dress, Madame.
It costs 1 0,000 euros.
Being very careful, darling.
(GRUNTS)
What do you think?.
Too daring?.
NARRATOR: Meantime, back on this desert island.
-Andy, I'm back. -Hello.
I managed to catch this.
Were you all right without me?.
I'm fine. Had a buffet lunch, a massage and a facial.
And then I played a game of tennis.
Yeah, yeah, of course you did.
Oh, dear Lord, he's getting delusional.
Right. So, you hold the racket like so.
There's a good girl.
And when the ball comes towards you, you hit it.
Like so.
I think she's got it by now, Mr Dudley.
-Ivanka. -Yes, husband.
-The toilet needs emptying. -Ting Tong can do it.
She's busy with the spuds. Come on, chop, chop.
Hey!
(GROWLING)
-Did you ask for a fat one?. -No, it's just how she came.
You know, I've got a good mind to pack my bags and go back to Thailand.
Oh, now, don't say that. Please, no.
You haven't finished the taters yet.
Some honeymoon this is turning out to be.
-This human waste is so heavy. -Oh, let me help.
-She can do it. -No, I insist, I insist.
Oh, thank you.
-I'll come with you as well. -No, you're all right, friend.
What do you reckon, Ting Tong?.
You think she really is 1 8?. Ting Tong?.
Ting Tong?.
I'll show that bitch who can be sexy.
Excuse me, do you have this in a size 8?.
-I'll just have a look. -Thank you.
Ivanka?.
NARRATOR: At the Vatican, Anne has been granted an audience with the Pope.
I once enjoyed an audience with the Pope.
Although I did prefer An Audience with Joe Pasquale.
As you know, Anne has always been a deeply spiritual person.
And it's long been her dream to meet His Holiness the Pope.
I think it's going to be a profound moment for us all.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Wasn't that beautiful?.
NARRATOR: When I go abroad, I find a house I like,
forcibly eject the occupants, and stay there for two weeks.
Other people prefer to stay in hotels,
Iike this one here in Portugal.
See you by the pool, g org eous.
Paul.
Oh, sorry, I' m not signing any autographs today. I'm on holiday.
No, no, no, it's me. Kenny Craig. I'm a hypnotist, too.
We met last year at Uri Geller's barbecue.
-Oh, of course, how's it going?. -Really well, quite badly.
I really want to be on TV like you, but I'm kind of stuck out here
on the whole Club 1 8-30 circuit at the moment.
-Oh, dear, I'm sorry. -Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be honest with you, Paul. I've lost my way.
You know, I've kind of lost my confidence.
Have you read my book?. Paul McKenna's Boost Your Confidence by Paul McKenna.
-No, no, I haven't. -I think you'd find it very useful.
There's a really good exercise in it.
I could do it on you right now if you'd like.
-That would be great. Thank you. -Okay.
Look into my eyes. The eyes, the eyes. Not around the eyes.
Look into the eyes. The eyes. You're under.
You are a worthless piece of scum.
How dare you even think you can compete with me, the great Paul McKenna?.
From this moment on, you will lose all your skills in hypnotism.
Your life will fall apart.
You will become a tramp, a hobo, a beggar-man.
You will go rifling through bins, looking for a half-eaten box of KFC.
That is your destiny. Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
-Wow, that was amazing. Thank you. -No problem.
Wow.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Lou has made an important decision.
Now, you know we've been on this island for many weeks now.
I know.
I'm gonna have to go off on this raft to try and get help.
-Fine. -It may be our only chance of survival.
I've left some food for you in the hut.
There's a marmoset curry, with a coconut and mango salad.
And some jumbo prawns wrapped in banana leaf.
All you have to do is heat them up.
-What's for pudding?. -Do you like passion fruit?.
(MUMBLES)
There's a passion fruit compote if you want it.
Will you be okay?.
Yeah, I've got a scuba-diving lesson booked for 1 2.
Yeah, well.
Farewell, my friend. This may be the last time you ever see me.
I have something I need to tell you.
I love you.
You're blocking the sun.
Oh, sorry.
NARRATOR: It's a quarter o'clock,
and Mr Mann has taken his lifelong search
for a pirate memory game to Morocco.
(SPEAKING ARABIC)
... pirate memory games.
(CALLING IN ARABIC)
(WOMAN ANSWERS IN ARABIC)
...pirate memory games?.
(WOMAN ANSWERS)
(REPEATS)
(WOMAN SPEAKING)
(REPEATS)
-Oh. -Oh.
(WOMAN SPEAKING ARABIC)
...hungry hippos.
...pirate memory games?.
(CALLING IN ARABIC)
(WOMAN ANSWERS)
...pirate memory games?.
(WOMAN ANSWERS)
(REPEATS)
(SHOUTING IN ARABIC)
Pirate memory games!
NARRATOR: This is America,
where the Prime Minister is on an official visit to the White House.
Personally, I find white a bit common. I'd have gone for cream.
And myself and the prime minister
are going to be having talks all afternoon.
Yes, I'm really hoping that we can build on our special relationship.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
No further questions.
Yeah, no further questions, please.
Now, I've asked for us not to be disturbed this afternoon.
That's a good idea. We've got a lot to get through.
-Marvin. -Yes, sir, Mr President, sir.
What's all this about a special relationship?.
Between our two nations, obviously, the President and I get on very well.
Yes, a little too well for my liking.
-Sebastian. -Well, if it's just sex, then fine,
-but if it's something deeper... -Don't be ridiculous.
Ah, ah, ah.
-Marvin, no calls. -Sir, yes, sir, Mr President, sir.
What have they been doing in there?. They've been ages.
-What?. -I bet your President's all over him.
-As if. -I've seen the way he looks at him.
-You are such a fruit. -What?.
It's creepy. You're, like, totally obsessed.
Not totally.
I bet you got pictures of the Prime Minister
-all over your bedroom wall. -Not all over!
He ain't all that.
I mean, Mr President, look at him. He's a dreamboat.
So you keep a picture of the President in your wallet?.
Security purposes.
I bet they're kissing right now.
You should be on Springer.
I've got to get in there.
Let me through, I've gotta see what's going on.
Sir, step aside from the door, sir.
-Get out of my way. -You're causing a situation here, sir.
-Let me through! -You'll have to kill me first.
-Oh, look, Kofi Annan. -What?.
Chinese burn!
UN resolution does not state that...
Yes, Sebastian?.
Just checking you've got a pen.
-Yes, I have. -Right, sorry, Prime Minister.
He gave me Chinese burn.
Thank you, Marvin.
-It hurt, sir. -Marvin!
Sorry. Yes, sir, Mr President, sir.
You're an animal.
NARRATOR: With Marjorie Dawes in America,
Texan Fat Fighters'group leader Blanche Chuckatuck has come over here
to meet some fat British pigs.
Okay, now, fat-fighting folk, how ya'll doing today?.
ALL: (SOFTLY) Fine, thank you.
Blanche can't hear y'all.
Fine, thank you.
I said, Blanche can't hear y'all.
Very good, thank you.
Okay, we're cooking. With low-fat oil.
Now, my name is Blanche Chuckatuck.
I come from Rocksprings, Texas, and I want to say
it is a great honour for me to take your Fat Fighters' group tonight.
Lovely.
All right, let's start with the weigh-in.
-Ma'am, would you like to go first?. -Okay.
-What's your name, pretty lady?. -Pat.
-Pat or Patty?. -Pat.
Okay, Patty, if you want to get yourself up there on them there scales there.
Okay.
Oh, I've put on three pounds.
It ain't easy, is it?.
What you gotta do, Patty, is you gotta quit eating them fattening foods.
That means no more grits, no more molasses,
and no more deep-fried plantain, you hear?.
Well, okay. Thanks.
You got a beautiful fat ass, Patty.
-Anyone ever told you that?. -No.
Ain't she got one sweet ass?.
-What's your name, kind sir?. -Paul.
-Paul or Paulie?. -Paul.
Okay, Paulie, if you want to get yourself up there on them there scales.
Up there on them there scales there.
Okay, what have we here?.
I've lost two pounds.
You know why Paulie here has lost himself them two pounds?.
'Cause he's been praying to Jesus.
-No, I haven't. -Yes, he has.
He's just shy.
Jesus loves you, Paulie.
Jesus loves you, Patty.
Even though you've been stuffing yourself with that
Aunt Jemima sweet potato pie.
Jesus loves you, old-timer.
Jesus likes you.
He would prefer if you were one of his flock, but he likes you.
I'm Hindu.
-Pardon me, ma'am. -I'm Hindu.
-Pardon me, ma'am. -I'm...
She said she's Hindu.
I don't know what that is.
And I don't think you know, neither.
I got a meeting of my own now. But before I go,
I want you all to give yourselves a round of applause
for a really great meet.
-She was all right. -Yeah, she was nice.
Goodbye, now.
NARRATOR: Lou has been at sea for eight days.
That is nearly a week.
Hang on in there, Andy. Just a few more thousand miles.
Everything's gonna be okay.
NARRATOR: Now we return to this campsite in Belgium.
Doesn't look camp to me. Looks quite butch.
This is the life, eh?.
Roast chicken, serviettes and a beautiful wife.
Bought and paid for.
If our old ma could see us now.
It's a terrible thing, blindness.
I'm back.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, and I bought a movie we can watch.
Oh, lovely. What is it?. The Money Pit?.
No. It's called Snow White Does Seven Dwarfs.
You, er... You may have heard of it, Ivanka.
Oh, please don't let's watch movies. Movies is boring.
What?. Oh, no, stick it in. Stick it in.
It's a Futawa. It'll need tracking.
DUDLEY: What's this?.
Being alone in this wood is making me too horny.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
I wonder if this is the little men come to gang-bang me.
Ivanka!
Hello, boys.
MEN: Hello, babe!
You had sex with seven dwarfs?.
Two were midgets.
No, that's it. It's over.
Ten beautiful days of marriage up the Swanny.
Oh, no, please. It was just sex. I didn't love any of them.
You see now what type of woman she is?.
Yes, yes, I do. I'm sorry, Ting Tong.
We're leaving, Mr Dudley.
You take me on proper honeymoon.
Yes, of course.
Can I just see what happens in the end?.
Well, that was a very instructive meeting. We'll talk later at dinner.
Thank you, Michael.
Marvin.
So sorry for bursting in like that, Prime Minister.
Yes, Sebastian.
It's just when you said about the special relationship,
I thought it meant something else.
-Well, it doesn't. -I know, I'm sorry.
Oh, you've got something on your lapel. Here, let me.
What's that?.
Tastes familiar.
I've definitely had it before.
Oh, it takes me back to Sea Scouts.
-I'd better just get changed for dinner. -Okay, Prime Minister.
Prime Minister, you forgot your file.
Thank you, Mr President.
NARRATOR: And finally we return home to the glorious Isle of Britain.
Andy, thank God you're safe!
I was on that raft for weeks! How did you get back?.
Plane. It's quicker.
I was so worried about you.
I was on that raft and I lost my paddle, and I thought I was a goner.
And the only thing that kept me going was the thought of you.
Who was going to look after my Andy?. I have to find him.
-I have to save him, I... -We're out of crisps.
Right.
I'll just go and get you some.
Beef.
NARRATOR: And so it is time to say goodbye.
Farewell, my friends. Farewell.
For this really is the end of Little Britain...
Abroad.